


Harry Potter and the Bird who Lived

by Hessy, thefandomcat



Series: How to Train your Phoenix [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Book 7: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Other, and fawkes became lowkey the key in saving the world, didjaputyonameindagobletoffiyah, except he doesnt save anything, saviour fawkes au, what if dumbledore actually threw a hissy fit in the goblet of fire scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:28:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22754797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hessy/pseuds/Hessy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefandomcat/pseuds/thefandomcat
Summary: THIS IS A CRACK FICwhat if the goblet of fire scene went a bit crazy and the golden trio had to face the consequences of the headmaster's gigantic tantrumaka that one time when dumbledore said that "MY BIRD SHALL LIVE" and it actually did
Series: How to Train your Phoenix [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1636030
Kudos: 11





	Harry Potter and the Bird who Lived

Harry couldn’t stop thinking about that little sentence. The font was so small he almost missed it. And here he was, once again reading the note.

_Dear Harry,_

_maybe you remember that in your fourth year, my beloved Fawkes died at my hands._

Harry grimaced. Why yes, he remembered that moment far too well. 

It happened shortly after he had been chosen as Hogwarts’ second Champion for the Triwizard tournament. 

He was just introduced to the other three Champions when the door behind them opened. A large group of people came in, led by Professor Dumbledore. The old man shot forward as he forcefully flipped a table aside, jumped down the stairs, almost killed Professor Snape as he pushed him into a glass display, broke the pensieve, beheaded Fawkes and then all but shouted: “Harry, did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire?!” 

The phoenix’s severed head rolled on the floor, then burst into flames along with the rest of his body, and the Headmaster’s yelling actually broke the giant chandelier.

“Albus. Calm down,” hissed Professor McGonagall as she massaged her left arm (yes, the Headmaster had struck her in his fit as well). 

It did not help. Professor Dumbledore was still holding Harry by the shoulders and staring at him with wild eyes. 

Harry was a little frightened by this sudden display of feral instincts but nevertheless he tried to clarify that no, he did not put his name in the Goblet of Fire and no, he did not ask an older student to do it in his stead. _ARE YOU SURE_ , Dumbledore had screamed, _YES I AM_ , Harry had screamed back. 

Only after that the Headmaster did calm down and looked around to see what had his tantrum caused. Harry recalled how he was especially sad about _accidentally_ killing his phoenix (which was by far the weirdest accident that Harry had ever seen, but at the same time _so Dumbledore-esque_ that he wasn’t even surprised in the end) and how he’d only found a few specs of Fawkes’ ashes while cleaning up after the disaster. Who knows what actually happened to the rest of Fawkes’ body.

_Since your mission to find the Horcruxes will have you travelling all across England, I ask you to find and collect Fawkes’ ashes._

_Well, now I know what happened to the rest of Fawkes’ body,_ Harry thought bitterly.

_The phoenix is special and will help you win the impending war against Voldemort. His ashes are scattered across Scotland and they’re as tiny as a grain of sand. I may not be with you anymore, but once you have resurrected Fawkes, he shall stand in my place and help you in your mission._

_To revive him, you will need to perform a ritual that you can find in the Tales of Beedle the Bard. I am sure Ms. Granger will find it and decode it while you still have enough time._

_I wish you the best of luck,_

_Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore_

When he read it for the first time, he couldn’t believe his eyes. Dumbledore, even though he was dead, wanted him to complete yet another impossible task. Of course, completing seemingly impossible tasks was no hard feat for Harry Potter (well, at least that was what the entire Wizarding World thought), but he would still rather not do it if it could be helped, thank you very much. But, as Dumbledore stated in his letter, Fawkes could be an essential key to winning the war, so he had to at least try, right? 

When he told Ron and Hermione about it, they were just as dumbfounded as he was. 

“But Harry,” Hermione sighed. “His remnants must be scattered all over the Earth! Did Dumbledore not know about seasonal winds? Fawkes’ ashes must have long been carried over the ocean by now! It’s been years since he died.” 

Harry couldn’t argue with her logic, but he supposed nothing was impossible for a wizard these days. They could just jump to New York, have a date with a witch who would sell them one or two ashes and then jump straight back to London or wherever they wished to apparate. Easy peasy. 

They tried their best to locate all horcruxes as well as Fawkes’ ashes, but it was proving to be a Sisyphus’ work. Sometimes Harry had to convince himself that no matter how ridiculous their task seemed, it had to have at least some sort of meaning for Dumbledore to actually assign it. These days convincing himself was getting increasingly harder, since their group of three didn’t feel like they’d made any progress at all.

  
  


“Harry, mate, I think I’ve got a part of Fawkes!” called Ron. Both remaining teens had to hide a scowl - this was a really creepy way to talk about the late Headmaster’s late phoenix. 

Hermione crouched low as she examined the - to the eye - almost non-existent piece of ash. She shook her head. 

“That’s just burnt wood,” she said desperately. They were wasting time with this while they could be doing much more important and interesting things, like, maybe, defeating Lord Voldemort? Well, they destroyed one Horcrux already and found the Sword of Gryffindor, Harry mused to himself. But it wasn’t enough. They needed to hurry up, or else the Wizarding World would be doomed.

When they finally found the first grain of ash which actually belonged to Fawkes, it was in India. While Hermione and Harry rejoiced, Ron had a more realistic point of view.

“Great,” he commented sarcastically. “One down, two billion eight hundred and seven to go.”

Harry sighed. Ron was right. This was pointless.

“Let’s go back to Britain. Finding the horcruxes is the most important thing we have to do and only afterwards we can maybe revive Fawkes and defeat… Him.”

Hermione and Ron somberly nodded, and all of them started preparing for apparating back home, where their help is much needed.

  
  


Harry, Ron and Hermione sat on the ground in the third floor of the Hogwarts castle, near the place where they first encountered Voldemort as first year students.

Harry was tired of fighting. They’d found almost all of the Horcruxes already and he began to suspect what the last one (or maybe two?) were. But they still had no idea how they were supposed to collect the late Headmaster’s phoenix’s ashes. Hermione had already figured out the ritual, like the brightest witch of her age she was, but otherwise, they had no clue whatsoever on how to continue their quest of saving the world. Harry was desperate. There was little to none time left and if nothing was done soon, whatever was left of the Wizarding World would fall apart and be surely taken by Death Eaters. _But we’re wizards, we’re supposed to be able to do anything,_ thought Harry. _Wait a minute…_

  
  


“I’ve got an idea,” Harry suddenly stood up and took out his wand. Ron didn’t look convinced, as he whispered to Hermione: “Bet you it’s a really dumb idea.” Nevertheless, they let Harry do his thing. They were out of time, Hogwarts had already been attacked and they lost many good people. It was time to do something - anything, and it better happened in an hour. 

Harry took a deep breath, then shouted: “ _Accio_ Fawkes’ ashes!” His friends stared at him, absolutely dumbfounded. 

Nothing happened. 

The surprised expression that had settled on their faces had gone, replaced by an expression of utter shock. It really WAS a dumb idea. 

Harry tried again. “ _Accio_ ashes!” From all directions, pieces of ash started flying towards them. Hermione and Ron had to lay down for the fear that some lost grain would end up in their eyes, Harry stood still, his face protected by his glasses. 

Soon, a neat two meters high pile of gray-ish colour was before them. Harry smiled confidently. He was sure the phoenix was there somewhere. 

“Hermione, it’s your turn now. Do the ritual,” he said, stepping aside and leaving her space. Hermione nodded and started to work.

  
  
  
  


The ritual was completed. The pile of ashes in front of them burned bright, then disappeared. Instead of ashes, there now stood a big bird. It was taller than all of them combined, but there was no mistake - this was Fawkes. 

Harry and Ron blinked uncomfortably. “Man, I’m sure Fawkes wasn’t this big when I last saw him,” Ron commented. When and where did Ron see Fawkes? One thing was true though, the phoenix was a literal giant now. 

Hermione smiled. “Let’s not worry about his size now, we can always shrink him later,” she said. “For now, he just has to help us defeat him.”

Sadly, that wasn’t happening tonight. Or ever. Fawkes gave them one curious look, then spread his enormous wings and took off, flying into the distance. 

Ron shrieked. “He just left us! He was supposed to be our ally and he left us!”

There was no way they could win the war now.

**Author's Note:**

> hi hello lovely peeps!
> 
> greetings from hessy and thefandomcat! we wrote this crack fic together prompted by a similarly ridiculous conversation we had yesterday evening and we hope you find it as funny as we do! god knows how much this fandom needs more things that aren't angst and are more fun ahaHAH
> 
> this crack fic will most likely become a part of a crack series featuring fawkes the gigantic phoenix and more wizards so we hope you look forward to that!
> 
> also English is not our native language so if you see mistakes just assume they're part of the crack


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